Three Fake News Articles, and a Short Sketch About Vacuums
I texted an idea for a fake news story that I had to Nick, and he responded a few hours later. “What is wrong with you?” he asked, so I figured it had potential and wrote it out. I remember watching a...
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Choking in the Chick-Fil-A? Give 5 Back Blows
I’ve always been a fan of informational signs that include people getting harmed. You know, like the one at your apartment complex that shows the dude getting squished by the gate? Or the one on the...
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Why You Should Buy Louis CK’s New Thing
Louis CK is a hilarious Talking Man, but he’s more than that; better than that. He’s a Talking Man who isn’t lying. He makes no bones about the fact that he wants to get paid for making up bullshit....
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Book Report: Pendulous Breasts Quarterly, A Literary Magazine For The...
An open letter to the editor(s) of Pendulous Breasts Quarterly. Dear Madams, Oh yes, make no mistake; I do say “Madams,” for you are unfit for the term of “Sirs,” you low-heeled sons of nipples. How...
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How Dubstep Made Me Old
The worst thing has occurred: I have frittered and farted my way along in my life until I am old enough to not enjoy music that the kids are listening to. I honestly didn’t think it would ever happen...
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The Guitar Solo is a Hell-Spawned Lie
I learned to play guitar solos because I thought people, specifically girls, would like me if I got good at them. This is a lie born in Hell’s anus. Sure, being in a band is good for meeting girls, but...
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Pissing and Moaning
Urine trouble, mister.Have you ever thought about how amazing it would be to actually piss and moan? I’m not using the phrase “piss and moan” as a colorful way of describing complaint. I am describing...
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Houses are the Worst Thing for Cycling.
PHOTO: Archibald Ballantine, Flickr Why is it that driving, something that is unquestionably awesome, is so god damned boring? No wonder people are texting and tweeting and facebooking as they drive....
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What Would Twitter Be Like Without Names? Why The Uncertain Rainbow Makes Me Mad
At the end of most rainbows there is gold. This one has shame. PHOTO: Clive Darra Every time I write an article, or a blog post, or a tweet, or draw a picture, or work on a design project, I am trying...
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The Regular Guys Roast
On Friday night, I got to help roast The Regular Guys, an Atlanta morning radio show. It was a super fun event. I worked all last week on my jokes, with help from lots of friends. They went over pretty...
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Open Letter to Experience Hendrix: Please Let Jimi Hendrix Die
Dear Experience Hendrix, LLC, Janie Hendrix, et. al., I implore you, owners of the Jimi Hendrix estate and guardians of his legacy, please let Jimi die. Please stop releasing compilations, previously...
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Why Arrested Development on Netflix is the MP3 of Television
Michael Cera as tweeted about by Jason Bateman My social media feeds are full of grumpy people complaining about the new episodes of Arrested Development not being as good as the old ones. Guys, you...
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Two New Ways to Harm Your Face: Arm Warmers and Car Covers
Many years ago, I smoked cigarettes because I wanted to look cool and dangerous, even though all it did was make me wheezy and smelly. I had a crush on a girl who smoked too. We were cool and...
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A Grumpy Old Man’s Review of Gran Turismo 6 for PS3
At 39 years of age, I am far too old to care about video games. I love cars, though, which I am much too poor to enjoy as much as I’d like. Luckily for me, it’s cheap to drive the most exotic cars on...
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How fat will we get when the waiters are gone forever?
Waitstaff are going away. Not just headed out to the alley for a smoke break this time, but totally going away. They will be replaced by tablets, as reported here by Forbes and here by Business...
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Casa de mi Padre Film Report
Just watched Will Ferrell in this telenova style westernesque spoof movie thing called Casa de mi Padre. It has been fiercely defecated on by movie reviewers, and has a measly score on Rotten Tomatoes....
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Singletracks.com — On Review: Diamondback Carbon Overdrive Pro 29er
I have been bothering the Singletracks staff for quite some time to get me a full bike to review and it finally happened! Check out my initial thoughts here.
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How to Install a Flyin’ Miata Header, Midpipe, and Exhaust, a Mostly Serious...
If you want your Miata to sound better and have a little bit more power, drop a few bucks on a system from Flyin’ Miata. It took me a couple of days to get the whole system in my 1999 1.8L, but it...
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Book Report: “The Stench of Honolulu” by Jack Handey
My friend Travis Broyles told me about this book, and his description made me laugh so hard that I purchased it immediately. Of course I am familiar with Jack Handey’s Deep Thoughts work from Saturday...
View ArticleGeorge R.R. Martin Wheezes F You to Fans
Game of Thrones author George R. R. Martin was interviewed this week and asked for his thoughts on fans who are concerned that he will die before he finishes the series. Double R was flustered by the...
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